Larry Timm

I don’t easily open myself up too many people. My immediate answer is my wife, but if I’m being honest, there is someone else who knows me better. Better than I know myself really. It may sound cliche, but Jesus has been the one to reveal the most about myself to me. He has shown me not just my short coming, which most people default to, but also shown me strengths that I didn’t know were there.

He and I officially met in 2013. I was in a church service, sitting, waiting patiently while the pastor did his thing. I couldn’t tell you what he preached on that service. It wasn’t that it wasn’t important or that I didn’t respect him, quite the opposite. More so, it was a yearning deep down that had been birthed months prior, and it was eating at me.

Following the rock bottom moment, well, series of moments, that had separated me from my wife and son, my wife and I concluded an over yearlong separation with a miraculous, God given second chance. I had dabbled with church and God over the separation in an effort to try and change. Some of it though, was me trying to play the part. A sort of “fake it till you make it” scenario. But when God spoke to her, and then to me through her, my mind set shifted. I was tired of the old me. So, as the process of reconciliation took its course, I was more than ready to change.

Sitting in the pew, a type of anxiousness grew. It was the kind of feeling you might feel on a first date. Wondering if they look as you expect. Going over yourself to tighten up your look. Thinking about what you might talk about, about what might come up in conversation. Will it be akward? What if i’m not what they expected? All the anticipation clouds your thoughts.

As I waited for the altar time that followed the message, all this was running through my head. What if Jesus doesn’t like me? What if I don’t do it right and I’m not actually changed? What if I get up there and everyone sees that I’m not legit? What if they all see that I’m not doing it right or that I don’t “perform” the way I’m supposed to? As the pastor closed his message these thoughts shifted to the side.

My mind cleared and I all but ran toward the altar. I got there and found myself on the floor, face down, tears streaming. I had no idea what I was supposed to do, but I knew what I felt inside. I poured my feeling or sorrow and shame out to Him. I apologized and begged for forgiveness. I made know my yearning to want to change. As all this came gushing out, a member of the church came up gently next to me and took my arm. He asked if I wanted to give my life to Christ. I said yes and he led me through a sinner’s prayer. It was everything I had already poured out of my heart, but in a more formal form. I Amened it and sat up and hugged him. My mind was freed. The church made the rounds patting my back and showing their support for me.

I had felt a sense an acceptance I hadn’t felt before. Now I wasn’t looking for acceptance, I was accepted. The arms of my Savior now held me.