Larry Timm

If there ever was something on my “to-do” list that never seems to get done, it’s those things that take the most time and effort. Not physical effort, those things I can get through pretty well. It’s the things that I can’t see the ending of. The things that are new or foreign to my way of thinking. Things like long-term health or extended savings for an expensive trip. I’ll have the days that I start out with well-intentioned motivation, but then a few days into it, my discipline weakens and I usually compromise before finally falling off. If I had to guess, this comes from past experiences when I was working toward something and was redirected and had to leave the unfinished product behind.

I can remember being in the Army and deployed overseas. I was a combat advisor and took my role seriously. I was of lower rank than the majority of my detachment but tended to have the mentality of those who should be in higher rank. Because of this, I was often given privilege by receiving greater responsibility than others my rank. I remember having my own vehicle, my own list of departments I was to oversee as well as the freedom to make decisions on my own without always needing oversight. As I continued in this, I was making contacts and creating opportunities for the local people I was working with to gain precious resources and insight from neighboring Airforce and Army units.

I remember loving what I was doing. The days whizzed by and I actually looked forward to getting up each day and working through the tasks I had created from the previous day’s interactions. Then, one day, something shifted. I couldn’t specifically put a finger on it, but my unit and I were being pulled back from the tasks we had been originally given. Rather than letting us free range so to speak and do what was needed, we were pulled back and put on guard duty or mayors’ cell (like a front desk person at a hotel). It became that the meetings I had scheduled and the relationships I had built were combining with other groups and now everything I had built was being neglected and pushed aside. I was primarily put of mayor’s cell and was not allowed to go out in the field. My daily notes dwindled until I no longer had any current intel on anything related to my original responsibility.

I was never given a reason for this. All I was told was that people were needed to run the mayor’s cell. When the air force detachment came to transition us out, I wasn’t included on the transition team for the groups I had previously been responsible. My name wasn’t mentioned even in the mayor’s cell transition. Everything I had spent months working toward and joyfully becoming engrossed in now was handed off yet again to a new group of people and I wouldn’t have a say in it. I felt heart broken. It felt like this baby I had been raising was just taken and passed on without any input from the parent who raised it. I left my deployment with a bitter taste in my mouth, almost looking back on it with shame because I had nothing to show for all the work, I had put in. I still have no idea what happened to those people or their needs.

That by itself might have been enough to make me shy away from committing to long term goals. But as it turns out, I continued that trend into my current job.

I have a great job, for a great employer. I’ve been here for about 15 years or so. I started as a jobsite helper, running errands and transporting materials that were needed to finish the job. I was transition from that to a warehouse worker. Driving forklift, pulling orders, unload and loading trucks. I was doing well. Then I was transitioned to a fulltime driver. I enjoyed driving, delivering materials and picking up leftover materials. Then I was transitioned to in inside counter salesperson. I did ok, learned the ins and outs. I tried to become better at sales and selling but kept hitting a wall from limitations within the company hierarchy. This caused me to become a bit disgruntled. As time went on, I was moved from each of those previous jobs as the day needed. It became that any traction I would gain from customer relations would be interrupted with a call to drive or work outside. Couple this with the constant friction with those above in charge of ordering, and I had become discontent with my current state in the company. I felt I was moved and moved and moved, each time as I had gained a sense of confidence in what I was doing. It felt again that I was being pushed out of the way and not really ever told why.

As I write this, I’m able to see part of the road that got me here. I had felt that all the work I was putting into things entrusted to me were going to be pulled away at some point unbeknownst to me. So, when I start a 75 hard or desire to save for the long term, after a few days, I proactively give up in order to prevent it being taken away. Thereby creating a self-fulling prophecy.